


War of the Roses

by waldoaldo97



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dialogue Heavy, Dialogue-Only, Established Relationship, Ficlet, One Shot, Radio, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:20:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29626935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waldoaldo97/pseuds/waldoaldo97
Summary: You know the morning radio shows where they call people to try and see if they're cheating on their SO? Here's a mini story about that exact situation.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	War of the Roses

Bill:

Good morning Los Angeles, here we are again for the fan favorite segment ‘War of the Roses’. You know how it goes, you think your significant other is maybe cheating on you? You give us a call and we get to the bottom of this and see if we get a ‘gotcha’ moment. On today’s segment we have our caller Myyra who thinks her husband is cheating on her when he goes away on quote unquote business trips. So we have her on the line here, Myyra how are we today?”

Myra:

I'm doing as well as I can be. I'm nervous about what i'm going to find out but i need to know what my Eddie-bear is doing and that he’s staying faithful to me...

Mike:

Aright let’s rip this band-aid off..Myra do you give us permission to have Eddie’s voice on the radio?

Myyra:

Yes, I do.

Bill:

Okay, we’re going to give Eddie a call, you stay silent on the end and let’s get us the gotcha moment.

_ Ring...Ring...Ring... _

Caller:

Hello?

Mike:

Hi, Is this Mr. Kaspbrak?

Mr. Kaspbrak:

Ooo, never been addressed like that before, but this is he. How can I help you today? Did Steve forget to set up a meeting?

Mike: 

Umm no? My name is Micheal and I'm with Pennywise Flower’s here for an exclusive offer just for you if you're interested? 

Mr. Kaspbrak:

Was there a promotion meeting I missed?

Mike: 

No, Mr. Kaspbrak. We are a new floral company and we’re doing cold calls to get some word- of- mouth and today we are offering a bouquet of our most gorgeous 12 long stemmed roses. And all we ask is you give us a blast on your social media and we will send out these flowers to a special someone free of charge.

Mr. Kaspbrak:

Free of charge? And all I need to do is make some post like all these instagram kids do?

Mike:

Yes sir, now if you are interested all we need is a name and a message we will attach to the roses.

Mr. Kaspbrak:

Hmmm. Sure why not. Support small businesses am I right? 

Mike: Couldn’t agree more Mr. Kaspbrak. Now who are we addressing the flower to?

Mr. Kaspbrak: 

Okay, right ‘Sorry for spilling tomato sauce on the floor, spag’ and you’re gonna want to split that first part and then spell ‘eddie’ like the name, comma, Love Richie.”

_ Beat of silence _

Mike:

Umm... “Love Richie”?

Mr. Kaspbrak:

Yes...Wait are you guys one of those homohobic company that won’t serve lgbt people?

Mike: 

No! Sorry Mr. Kaspbrak. It’s just that the number we called we had assumed we were talking to Edward Kaspbrak. Is this not him?

Mr. Kaspbrak:

OH! oh man. HAHAHA! Well you guys got it half right. I'm his husband Richie Toizer. 

Mike:

Im s-s-sory. Richie Toizer? As in the comedian Richie Toizer? 

Richie:

The one and only.

_ Silence _

Richie:

Hello? Mike you still there?

Myyra:

HOW DARE YOU! HOW DO YOU THINK YOU  **_*BLEEP*_ ** ARE! MY EDDIEBE---

Richie:

Woah! Is there someone else on the line? Is this a prank call?

Bill: 

Mr. Kaspbrak umm, Mr. Tozier...um i'm sorry, this is Bill from ‘Billy and Mikey in the morning. You’re on the radio for our weekly ‘War of the Roses’ segment. We got a call from a Myra Kaspbrak that said that her husband Eddie Kaspbrak might be cheating on her whenever he went on his business trip. But if you are THE Richie Toizer then you’ve been engaged for quite a while.Is there something we’re missing here?

Richie:

Myra set this up? Ugh hold on...EDDIE!  _ *muffled voices* _

Mike:

And with that we’ll be right back!

_ 10 minutes later _

Bill:

And we are back, If you’re just joining us now on ‘War of the Roses’ we had Myra on the line but had to mute her because she was getting a little...

Mike:

Abrasive?

Bill:

Yea that's a word. And now this story has taken a giant twist as we have Richie Tozier on the line, husband to Eddie Kaspbrak who was the original target. So now we have Eddie on the phone to give us a little more insight to what is happening. Eddie?

Eddie:

Hi Bill. So let me preface by saying this... Myra and I have been separated for the better part of two years. Is Mayra still on the line?

Bill: Yes, she is. Myra?

Myra:

Eddie why are you still so instant on living this way. Everything we had for what? I know we had our issues but this isn’t the same Eddie i cared for and loved. What happened to MY Eddie?

Bill: 

Eddie if i may?

Eddie:

Go right ahead Bill.

Bill: Thanks. Myra from what we just witnessed a few short moments ago by your sudden outburst. It seems like maybe perhaps this might be a little manipulative? Eddie here sounds like he knows what he’s doing and from what I've personally seen from Richie’s social media Eddie and him are pretty happy. Why are you against this?

Myra:

Because Bill I’ve known Eddie his adult life, i’ve been there for him when things got rough. He’s never mentioned Richie EVER in our 10 years of marriage. He goes away for a reunion and next thing I know he’s calling from a hospital and telling me that he wants to get a divorce. No, I'm not buying it. 

Mike:

Eddie, are you going through some mid-life crisis?

Eddie:

Yes and no. Yes I may have made some drastic changes in my life. Moving from New York to LA to move in with Richie. No, because even though I forgot about Richie when I moved from our small town, I never forgot the love I left from him...and when i saw him at our reunion a lot of puzzle pieces finally made the puzzle complete.  _ *Richie says something muffled* _

Bill:

Well Eddie I think we can say that this situation is very complex and different we have to get to the real issue at hand. Did you cheat on Myra?

Eddie: 

No! Never. Even after meeting Richie again, we didn’t actively start doing anything physical until after I served Myra the papers. 

Mike:

Myra, I know that maybe this isn’t the way you wanted things to go but you at least got your answer right? Eddie didn’t cheat on you.

Myra:

EDDIE-BEAR YOU COME HOME RIGHT NOW! I REFUSE TO LET THIS MAN TAINT OUR MARRIAGE! HE IS DIRT, IMMATURE, AND A FA- * _ click* _

Bill:

Sorry about that folks, our producers decided to cut Myra’s line. Umm wow, this has definitely been our more outrageous segments yet. Eddie, Richie, do you guys have anything to say?

Eddie: 

Nope, I think everything is situated. Babe?

Richie:

Umm nope...actually do you guys have a good florist. I wasn’t lying when I said that I spilt pasta sauce all over the floors.

Mike:

We have a guy Richie. And feel free to say no to this since we did ambush you this morning. But would you be willing to do a quick interview, maybe test out some new material?

Richie:

Sure, why not. 

Mike: 

That’s great, stay on the line and we’ll be right back. 

Richie: 

Will do.

Bill:

Well that was ‘War of the Rose’ with ‘Billy and Mikey’. Definitely going to have to start more background research for next time. Let’s go on a quick break and stay listening for an impromto interview with comedic gay icon Richie Tozier.

  
  



End file.
